The Travails of the Astounding!

What's that you say?? The Tobacco companies have been upping the nicotine levels in cigarettes since 1998?! Why, that almost sounds.... evil. Illegal even! But just the other day I received a special message to me from my 'friends at Philip Morris' via the TV, telling me how they wanted to help with cigarette addiction.
Waaaait a second!
Are you calling my friends liars? Well are ya? Cause Phil wouldn't play me like that.
Seriously though, how the HELL are cigarettes still legal? Your local pothead knows what's in his Ziploc, even your neighborhood drunk vomits with brand-confidence. If youre addicted to cigarettes and think it's just a weakness within you that compels you to spiral further into the maelstrom, take heart in knowing, your friends at Big Tobacco are working hard to take some of the responsibility off your shoulders.